Some Redwall Related Fic
by Neon1
Summary: A wierd version of Redwall! R+R!


"You know what?" said Matthias one day.  
  
"No, and frankly, I don't care!" snapped that abbot guy snappily.  
  
"Aww, beefsteak." said Matthias disappointed.  
  
"Beefsteak?!?"  
  
"Yeh, this is hopefully gonna stay PG."  
  
"Yeah, but BEEFSTEAK!?!"  
  
(Scene break)  
  
"Assssssmadeyussss." .(I think that pretty much speaks for itself) a certain snake slithered snakily snake-likely through an un-snake filled forest.  
  
::I'm gonna go find that fox I bit several times:: thought that certain speech impaired snake that was slithering snakily snake-likely through an un-snake filled forest. (A/n: maybe I wrote too many snake related words.NAH!)  
  
(Scene break)  
  
"-And that's where the meat grinder comes in!" explained a certain cycloptic spike-tipped tailed rodent, more formally known as Culney, to his pathetically slow-witted troops.  
  
"Any questions, no, good! Now to put this fool-proof plan into action!" he smirked triumphantly.  
  
"Uhhh boss," said some ferret in the troops with a ridiculously dumb name like the rest of them. "Where are we gonna get a fish bowl that big?" pointing at the blue print.  
  
Cluney looked at him for a moment, then at his plan "Dammit." scrunches it up and throws it over his shoulder "back to the drawing board."  
  
(Scene break)  
  
"Aww no, he's golne." said Asmadeyus, with a southern twang in his voice, who had returned to the spot where he had severely deformed a young fox. "I was gonna have a B.B.Q.damn.maybe I'll go eat some shrews.but DAMN, I had a fox.A FOX DAMMIT!" slithers snakily snake-likely away, so angry he forgot to say his name in a annoyingly and unnecessarily long drawn out sorta way.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
"We are the GUOSIM the GUOSIM shrews!"  
  
(Scene break)  
  
"I found Martins sword, I FOUND IT, I FOUND IT AND YOU DIDN'T!" screamed an overly excited Abbot.  
  
"Yoink." said Matthias grabbing the ancient yet mystically un-rusted out of the old mouse's hands.  
  
"HEY, I found that, not you!"  
  
"Oh yeah? Prove it!"  
  
".Okay, you win this round," the old mouse said, shaking his fist angrily "but I'll get you Matthias, I'll get you."  
  
"OH, I'm SO scared, PLEASE don't hurt me old man." exclaimed Matthias sarcastically. "DON'T MOCK ME YOUNGEN!"  
  
"Youngen?"  
  
(Scene break)  
  
"-OKAY! How about THIS one!" said the highly-strung power hungry rat holding up the 57th blueprint.  
  
"Hmmm, good one," said the weird named ferret "but that colour doesn't exist.and where are we gonna get that much soda-pop?"  
  
"God dammit."  
  
(5 hrs later)  
  
"THIS ONE, THIS one has GOT to work! Ah hahahaha!" half shouted a slightly paranoid Cluney, holding up his 97th blueprint.  
  
"Cluney," said the ferret, slightly worried. "that's just a drawing of a fish."  
  
"I KNOW! Ingenious, isn't it? We hide inside this fish, wait till we're caught and about to be eaten, then JUMP OUT AND TAKE REDWALL BY FORCE! BWA HAHAHAHA!"  
  
The ferret with a name so stupid I couldn't be bothered even thinking up, backed away slowly, fearing for the tyrants sanity.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
(Somewhere in the forest)  
  
"Sorry Asmadeyus, but I'm supposed to kill you now, striking for all this sappy stuff." explained Matthias, clutching Martins sword.  
  
"Oh, well that's okay." said Asmadeyus who somewhere in this fic learnt to talk.  
  
"Ok, thanks, just hold still," getting ready to eliminate the shrew eating snake, who since last mentioned had devoured several shrews. "I STRIKE FOR REDWALL!" yelled Matthias slicing the blade through the air at Asmadeyus, missing, and accidentally dismembering Silent Sam, who unfortunately was standing there. "Oops."  
  
"."  
  
"."  
  
"Maybe you should run."  
  
"Good idea." dropping the sword, Matthias ran back to Redwall screaming bloody murder.  
  
(Scene break)  
  
"Let me get this straight, not only did you kill Sam instead of Asmadeyus, you just LEFT MARTINS SWORD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST!?!" screamed the abbot guy angrily.  
  
"Yep." replied Matthias shortly.  
  
".YOU IDIOT!" yelled the old mouse yellingly.  
  
All of a sudden the shrews came through the front gate. "We've come to help you fight Cluney and his army!" yelled one of them.  
  
"But Cluney's not-" Matthias started but was cut short as Cluney the cycloptic, spike-tipped tailed, slightly paranoid, master of master fool- proof plans and kinda phsycotic Scurge ran through the front gates, screaming and laughing psychotically brandishing a 50ft frozen herring above his head, his army soon followed, all of whom were carrying normal weapons.  
  
".riiiiiiiight.well, there's something you don't see everyday." commented Matthias who was watching Cluney violently attack Redwallians, hitting them with the over-sized herring screaming "DIE! DIE! DIE!"  
  
(Ten minutes later)  
  
After ten minutes of slashings, bashings and fish whackings, it wasn't looking too good for the Redwallers, as their main weapon, Martins sword, was lying somewhere in the forest, along with the corpse of Silent Sam. THE sparrows had abandoned the Abbey, the GUOSIM had retreated and out of desperation, Matthias, who had acquired a minute bell somewhere along the way, turned to the abbot for help. "Oh, so NOW you want my help, huh?" said the old mouse mockingly.  
  
"Yep." replied Matthias bluntly.  
  
"Well, ok, first we-"  
  
The old abbot was cut short as Cluney jumped out of nowhere, tackled the old mouse to the ground and started beating him relentlessly with his faithful, yet frozen fish, laughing psychotically and getting soaked in blood.  
  
"NO!" screamed Matthias "He had a plan! A PLA-HA-HAN!!!" and in sheer desperation, he threw the small bell at Cluney, hitting him in the head.  
  
"Owies." exclaimed the cycloptic, spike-tipped tailed, slightly paranoid, master of master fool-proof plans, kinda psychotic, fish-brandishing war- lord in a small voice before falling over. Dead. All of a sudden the rest of Cluneys army just died without warning coz when they were kids they smoked a pack of cigarettes thus shortening their life.  
  
".WHOOHOO!" yelled Matthias as everyone rejoiced at their victory in this lame story as balloons and confetti fell from the sky.  
  
(4 days later)  
  
"I cant believe that old mouse stayed alive long enough to get married, miracles DO happen don't they Matthias!" exclaimed that stupid pansy of a mouse Cornflower, who never did anything for anyone, happily.  
  
"Yeah, great." replied Matthias dryly.  
  
All of a sudden a giant piece of the ceiling fell on top of Cornflower, killing her. Everyone rejoiced as a familiar crimson stain oozed its way from the chunk of ceiling and over the floor. Suddenly Asmadeyus burst through the door wearing a sombrero and holding Martin the warrior's sword in his tail.  
  
"Hi guys!" he exclaimed happily. " I brought this back, ya left it in the forest!" giving the sword to Matthias.  
  
"Thanks Asmadeyus." said that annoying little semi-warrior mouse, taking the sword.  
  
"My names not Asmadeyus anymore, that name was too long, I'm Jimmy now and I'm off to Mexico!" Mexican music starts up as the snake named Asmadeyus who until recently changed his name to Jimmy, slithered into the sunset, even though it was only 2:00pm in the afternoon.  
  
"Riiiiiight..." said Matthias slowly at the recent disturbing event "Eh, I'm going for a walk." he said, walking into the most beautiful sunset of them all, even though he was going in a totally different direction. All the dibbuns, after watching this, shrugged and walked away in different directions, each into their own sunset.  
  
THE E-  
  
"HEY! What about me!" exclaimed the ferret with a very stupid name. "I was barely even in this story, I don't even get a proper name! (rants on for 10mins) but noooooooo! They said I had to be human to become paperboy-" (Neon: OK, OK, I'll let you walk into a sunset if you JUST SHUT UP!) "OK." the ferret with a very dumb name straightened his tunic importantly, turning around walking into a - ENDLESS DARK VOID OF DEATH!!!  
  
"Hey wait a minute-"  
  
THE END  
  
BLOOPERS  
  
(Second scene)  
  
"Asssssmadey (swallows a fly) (hack cough cough) Oh boy! (Cough) I need a mint." (Third scene)  
  
"-And that's where the food processor comes in."  
  
"Meat grinder!" yells director.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Meat grinder! Not food processor!"  
  
"Meat grinder? Gee, that's gory."  
  
(Sixth scene)  
  
"We are the GUOSIM, the GUOSIM shews- I mean shrews! I mean, shoes?"  
  
(Take two)  
  
"We are the- who wrote this lame song?"  
  
(Take three)  
  
"I mean, what's the point of demeaning ourselves like this?"  
  
(Scene eight)  
  
"I STRIKE FOR REDWALL!" slices sword through the air but accidentally lets go and it flies offstage. Sounds of glass breaking and cats meowing. "Oops, that looks expensive."  
  
(Ninth scene)  
  
Cluney runs through the gates and trips over, the fish goes flying through the air and as soon as it hits the ground it bursts into flames. "HOLY MOTHER OF FRIED SHRIMP!!!"  
  
(Last scene)  
  
Large piece of the ceiling falls and misses Cornflower by an inch.  
  
(The song 'I Want Candy' plays as credits roll.)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Redwall, the song 'I Want Candy' or a 50ft fish. 


End file.
